At the joyful age of 16 I was tasked by my Uncle Steve whilst he was doing real DIY (or generally bodging (I explain the term bodging for those not in the know later on) whilst watching experts do jobs on his house) to build something out of a load of scrap wood. Most would have just thrown this scrap wood on the fire at first glance but he saw something in me…potential…passion to succeed! He challenged me to make a bird table!

Technically there was definitely good potential loose ends in the pile of wood and I had all the tools I needed. With my creative brain I set off and master crafted what I thought was going to be something that would eventually have pride of place in their lovely garden…oh how wrong was I?! Turns out am that basically knocking a few bits of skirting board together doesn’t warrant Homes and Gardens answer to a nice Bird Table…quite the opposite actually. While my bird table stood…kind of leant…I presented it to my uncle and placed toast crumbs onto it (a healthy snack for onlooking birds). I could tell he was being kind by telling me it looked terrible…but the proof as they say is not always on how good something looks but how well it performs. This bird table had the good fortune about 20 mins later of attracting a smallish friendly flyer (a bird the size of a sparrow…in fact it may have been a sparrow) to come and have a nibble on the crumbs. Unfortunately when the bird landed on the table it collapsed and nearly killed the bird…more of a bird trap than safe environment for a winged friend to enjoy a cheeky snack! I am searching a pic of this table and will post it when I have it.

Since then I’ve helped friends with odd jobs (handed them nails and made brews) and a brief spell working with a good friend on another friends security gate he needed fitting, where I left my trade mark cock up mark in the form of a nail bent I whacked in wrong. Apart from this nothing much.

Anyway…it would appear in essence after 15 years of waiting for the next BIG project, and me buying a place I finally decided it was time to go BIG and invest in some expensive tools. I started easy…I casually knocked a few nails in walls and hung a few light weight pics (canvasses of myself if you’re wondering). Then I bought a very large ornate gold mirror (very posh! Saw one on downton abbey and thought I needed one)…weeks went by where I found the mirror a home (not its intended home) where it actually looked stylish leaning against a wall in my lounge. But it wasn’t what I promised…it wasn’t where I told my girlfriend it would go…she wanted more from me…she wanted it on the bloody wall!

Now I don’t know if you have ever attempted to hang a 6ft x 3ft mirror on your wall but it’s a BIG job! A job for 2 men…or…me…a man who has used big tools in sporting fashion on prior occasions!

Attempt one: I thought the wall I was hanging it on was plaster board…I bought the right screws…I got an expensive tool kit (only needed a screwdriver)…and I proceeded to screw said screw into the wall…guess what…it wasn’t plasterboard…it was just a thin layer of plaster over brick (apparently this is a thing). As I screwed I pulled half my wall off attempting to screw through brick and left a hole the size of a Jaffa Cake in my wall. No worries…nipped out, bought some wall plaster filler stuff and did my magic. Filled it in…painted over…now it looks a bit less than ideal and uneven!

I thought to myself…don’t worry…it’s cool! The mirror will cover this when its up.

Attempt two: It would appear is bitten off a job bigger than I could ever imagined…a job requiring real tools. I wasn’t for nipping to my mates and asking if I could borrow his…I wanted my own, something I could be proud of, something I could show other #lads when they came round for a few jars. Something my girlfriends friends would look at in admiration and wish there bf had. I wanted my own drill!

I couldn’t settle for any old rubbish…I went for a brand I could trust…a brand that would cost me three times that of a normal drill…a Bosch drill! The man in B&Q told me it was a great model that tradesmen used and was probably more than I needed. It had two batteries and I thought…it’s good to have backup…a motto I’ve lived my life by!

I purchased said drill…took it home and got to the job! I measured up my wall again to make doubly sure it was all correct. Fail to prepare…prepare to fail as they say! I then took too it and went to drill my first hole (not knowing if I was using the right drill bit (I knew the size was right…I was later proved incorrect…but didn’t know the drill bits were all different looking!).

I went with the one that looked most dangerous! It was sharp…I zipped through the wall in no time. Went to pop a raw plug in and guess what…the hole was too big! I filled it in partially and bodged it (a technical term for a technique my Uncle Steve taught me). Next hole…zip! Perfect. Other side of the wall and onto hole three…drilled in and hit something…something that meant my drill would not go any further. I changed drill bit three times and still I can’t get through. So guess what…I ended up filling all the holes in again and painting over.

Now my wall looks dodgy and I scratched the paint work…I’m a couple of hundred quid down on tools (more of a long term investment I am guessing)…my girlfriend has no faith in my DIY ability and I’m probably going to end up paying a real #lad to come round and put the mirror on the wall as its back in its old lean on the wall home.

So…until my next project and attempt to use power tools…cheerio…